


Will You Remember Me?

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Original Character - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-08-21
Updated: 2000-08-21
Packaged: 2019-05-15 22:25:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14799119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: CJ suffers amnesia, she cannot remember the past two years.





	1. Will You Remember Me?

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Title:  **Will You Remember Me?**

Author:  Janice

Rating:  G

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.  The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers Television and NBC.  No copyright infringement is intended.  The song "I Will Remember You" belongs to Sarah McLachlan, Seamus Egan, and Dave Merenda.

Summary:  CJ suffers amnesia, and as a result she cannot remember things that happened in the past two years.  The timeline of the story is sometime in 2001.

Warning: CJ/Toby relation ahead.

Author’s Notes: 

\-- I am not a doctor, and the part about _amnesia_ is based on hearsay (the wife of a friend’s friend had something like that happened to her.)   So you doctors out there please forgive me if what I write in the story is not true in really life.  It’s only a story.  Please take it easy.

\-- Single quotes indicate the character’s thoughts.

\-- This and my other story "Heartstrings" can also be found at my West Wing Fan Fiction Archive.

\-- Huge thanks to SheilaVR for editing the story for me.  :)

*********

The sound of Josh’s shoes rapidly hitting the hospital floor echoed through the quiet hospital corridor, and he came to a complete halt in front of the man slumping in the plastic hospital chair, hands covering his face.

"Toby!  What happened?  Shouldn’t you be with CJ?"  Josh looked suspiciously at Toby.

"There was a complication.  She had severe hemorrhage after they got the first baby out.  The doctors…they are trying to get the second baby out through c-section.  God!  It’s all my fault."

"What’s your fault?  Getting her pregnant?"

"That and the others."  Toby slumped deeper into the chair.

"Toby!  Stop blaming yourself!  CJ won’t like that.  She is a fighter.  I am sure both she and the babies will be fine.  CJ loves you too much to let anything happen to them."  Josh tried to calm down a very upset White House Communications Director.

"Mr. Ziegler?"

Both men jumped when they heard the doctor’s voice.

"Doctor, how’s my wife?"  Toby got in front of the doctor in one big step.

"Congratulation, Mr. Ziegler.  You have two beautiful and healthy baby girls."  Dr. Chandler tried to avoid Toby’s question.  This was what he hated most about his job - telling people that their love ones are in serious condition.

"And my wife?"

 _Okay, here it goes…_   "I am sorry, Mr. Ziegler.  Mrs. Ziegler went into a coma half way through the surgery.  I am not a hundred percent positive, but I think she had an allergy reaction to the anesthesia that we gave her.  Her record doesn’t indicate any past history of allergy to it, but the pregnancy might change her body nature."

"Coma?  CJ is in a coma."  Toby started to fall backward, and luckily Josh was there to catch him before he hit the ground.

"When will CJ wake up?"  Josh asked the doctor, while trying to steady Toby who seemed to be in deep shock.

"It’s hard to say.  It can be tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.  Some never do, although I don’t think that will be Mrs. Ziegler’s case.  I already schedule Mrs. Ziegler for a thorough exam later, and we will have a better idea on the situation once we get the result back."

*********

Toby quickly took a seat next to CJ’s hospital bed as soon as the nurses left the room.  He wrapped CJ’s hand tightly in his, and rested his gaze on CJ’s face.  She looked so peaceful lying on the white hospital bed.  He could easily convince himself that she was simply taking a nap if he ignored the tubes coming out of her nose and the IV line attaching to her arm.

"Hey, honey.  I went to visit our daughters while the doctors were examining you, and they are beautiful.  Do you know that they are identical twins?  Their doctor said they are a little bit small even for premature babies, so he put them in the incubator to keep them warm.  Don’t worry, honey.  I did check when I went to see them, and they all have ten fingers and ten toes and are both in good health.  They both look like you, and I am eternally grateful for that.  I am sure we will see that they both have your color of eyes when they open them.  Come on, CJ.  How long are you going to sleep?  It’s time to wake up.  Our daughters are lovely, and you’ve got to wake up to see them yourself."  He placed a light kiss on her forehead while trying to hold back his tears that were threatening to fall.

He had a long talk with CJ’s doctors after they examined her for hours.  They all seemed to be convinced that the coma was induced by her allergy to anesthesia.  The doctors were optimistic about her situation and believed that her chances of regaining conscious were pretty good.  Toby wanted to believe them.  Looking down at CJ’s pale face, he tried to assure himself that everything would be all right.  CJ would wake up soon, and she would laugh at him for worrying so much.

"I love you, Claudia Jean.  Please come back to me."   A single tear finally broke free from his eye and dropped on CJ’s hand.

*********

"Why does it take so long?  When can I see her?"  Toby asked the nurse for the ten thousandth time.

"Don’t worry, Mr. Ziegler.  The doctors are taking good care of her."  The nurse at the admit desk made an effort to hide her irritation.

CJ had been in a coma for four long weeks, four long, hard weeks for Toby.  The President assured Toby that he could take as many days off as needed, so he had spent the past month here in the hospital.  The first couple of days he slept on the couch in CJ’s room, then the nurses took pity on him and got him a cot.  Josh and Sam endeavored many times to get him to go home, but Toby couldn’t see why he should.  His whole world was here in this hospital.  His wife was in the intensive care, and his daughters were in the hospital nursery.  Why should he bother going home to his empty, dark apartment?

Tonight, Toby was blocked out of CJ’s room when he got back from visiting his daughters at the nursery.  The nurses wouldn’t tell him anything other than that the doctor was examining CJ.  Pacing back and forth in the dark hospital corridor, he felt like a cage animal, and the only thing he could do was pray.  _‘Please let CJ be all right.  Please!’_

To be continued …

  

  

  

  


	2. Will You Remember Me? 2

*********

**"Will You Remember Me?" - part 2**

Disclaimers: see part 1

*********

 

"Dr. Chandler, what happened?"  Toby walked quickly toward CJ’s doctor as soon as he walked out CJ’s room. 

"Mrs. Ziegler woke up thirty minutes ago."

"But?"  Toby didn’t want to get his hope up too high; he could sense the hesitation in Dr. Chandler’s voice.

"Well, Mrs. Ziegler has what we call Amnesia."

"What do you mean by she has Amnesia?  Shouldn’t that be something that happens to people who suffer head traumas?" __

_  
_

"I think it’s caused by her allergy to anesthesia.   But don’t worry, Mr. Ziegler, I am pretty optimistic about her condition.  There is no sign to indicate that Mrs. Ziegler’s memory loss is permanent.  She should be able to regain her memory completely pretty soon."

"You mean she doesn’t remember anything?  Not even her name?"  __

_  
_

_‘Not even me and the babies?’_ Toby struggled to make sense of what the doctor just told him.

"She remembers her name.  Mrs. Ziegler has only suffered a partial memory loss.  She still has most of her memories; the only part that she cannot remember is her life of the past two years or so.  In fact there is something I want to ask you.  Does the date March 12, 1999 mean anything to you?  Did anything significant happen to Mrs. Ziegler on that day?"

"Why?"

"That’s where Mrs. Ziegler’s memory stops.  She seems to think that’s today’s date."

"March 12…"

"Oh my God!  That’s when she had that car accident.  She was hit by a drunk driver leaving the White House one night after work, and she was hospitalized for 2 days because of a mild concussion.  Yes, I am pretty sure it was March 12 two years ago, 5 days before her birthday."

"Well, that might explain the date."

"Can I see her now?"  Toby was eager to see CJ.

"I want to introduce you to Dr. Ryans, who is a specialist in amnesia.  I hope you can have a talk with her before you go see Mrs. Ziegler"

*********

Toby slowly walked into CJ’s hospital room.

"Hey, Toby!"

"How are you feeling?"  He sat down on the seat next to her bed and wrapped her right hand tightly in his.

"I am fine."

"Liar.  Have you been crying?"  He noticed her red, puffy eyes.

"I am scared.  I couldn’t remember anything.  I tried to remember, but my head hurt every time I tried."  She looked down at their interlaced hands.  She could feel tears starting to gather in her eyes again. 

"That’s okay."  He handed her a tissue.  "What can’t you remember?  I’ll tell you."

"That’s cheating."  She looked up at him and gave him a smile.

"Who cares?  Nobody is keeping the score."

"Okay."

"Okay.  So what do you want to know?"

"Well, for starters, am I still President Bartlet’s Press Secretary?"

"Of course.  You’re the best out there.  You don’t believe that we’ll let you go that easily, do you?  You are stuck with us."

So for the next two hours Toby tried to fill her in on things happened in the past two years as best as he could.  He told her the big victory they had on the gun control bill.  He told her about Josh’s failed romance with Joey Lucas.  He also told her about Danny Concannon’s transfer to State Department.  He tried his best to tell her everything that happened in the past two years, except their marriage and children.

*********

"Toby!  What are you doing here?"  Sam exclaimed when saw Toby in the Oval Office.

"Everybody, please take a seat.  Toby has something to say," the President ordered.

Toby looked around the room, looking at the eager faces of his co-workers who had been really supportive to him the past month.  "CJ woke up this afternoon."

The staffs in the Oval office started to jump up and down, hug each other when they finally heard the news that they’ve been waiting for for the past four weeks.  Except the President and Leo, and of course Toby because they knew what was coming next.

"However," Toby waited until he got everyone’s attention, "she has Amnesia.  She can’t remember anything that happened in the last two years."

The Oval office that was filled with cheers and laughter a minute ago was now in dead silence.  People who were so excited to hear that CJ was finally awake were now staring at Toby in disbelief.

"How could that happened?"  Josh was the first one to regain his composure.

"Her doctors think that’s caused by the coma.  The good news is they believe it’s only temporary; with some help, she should regain her full memory."

"How was she holding up?" Mrs. Bartlet questioned.

"She was confused and scared."

"What can we do to help?"  Leo asked.

"I talked to the specialist recommended by CJ’s doctor this afternoon.  Since CJ only remembers things that happened before her car accident two years ago, that means she doesn’t remember dating me, marrying me or having twin daughters.  Dr. Ryans, the specialist, suggest that although it’s best for CJ if she’s exposed to things that she is familiar with, it will be better if we don’t tell CJ that she and I are married and have twin daughters."

"Wait!  I thought you said it’s best for Amnesia patients to be exposed to familiar environments to help them regain their memories."  The President asked what’s on everybody’s mind.

"Jed, let Toby finish what he has to say," the First Lady patted the President’s hand lightly, trying to calm him down.

"Because CJ cannot recall anything in the past two years, that means she still thinks that she and I are only friends.  Judging from the unstable mental state that CJ’s in now, her doctor thinks if we go ahead and tell CJ the truth, she may go into shock and lock herself up, mentally I mean."  Toby’s voice grew lower and lower as he spoke.   Even he could not believe what he was saying.

"WHAT!  That’s insane", Sam yelled.

"Toby, are you sure this Dr. Ryans is a real psychologist, not a patient escaping from a psychiatric ward pretending to be a doctor?"  Josh wanted to know.

"Josh!"

"It has its possibility, Mrs. Bartlet.  You cannot trust anybody these days."

"Abbey, is that true?" the President asked.

"I seem to remember reading something similar in the magazine.  Dr. Ryan is a renowned expert in the field.  If she says so, then we should trust her.  What do you think, Toby?"

"I CAN’T believe this.  Three White House senior staffers, the Chief of Staff, the First Lady and the President of United States all get together to plot the biggest lie against an innocent mother.  Oh, and let’s do not forget that among us are her daughters’ godparents and her dear husband…well, of course since most of us are either lifetime politicians or lawyers, we are used to lying to innocent citizens."  Too worried about his best friend and too angry at what he just heart to sit quietly, Josh started to pace back and forth in the Oval office like a caged animal.  "Toby!  You are her husband.  Say something, would you?"

"I’ll do whatever is best for CJ." 

 _‘Even if that hurts as hell,’_ he added silently.

"How are we going to explain to her about the amnesia and the C-Section?"  Someone asked.

"I told CJ that she was hit by a car while crossing the street.  She had internal bleeding at abdominal area, so the doctors had to give her emergency surgery to stop the bleeding.  Also she suffered a concussion, and that’s why she lost her memories.  One other thing: she can’t live at our home anymore.  She’ll have to move back to her old apartment.  Will that be okay with you, Donna?  You are the person who lives at the apartment now."

"Don’t worry about me, Toby.  Besides, I can keep CJ company."

"Thank you, Donna.  I really appreciate the help.  Also, we’ll have to tell the press corps about this, so they don’t say anything that they shouldn’t say."

"I’ll take care of it at the 2 o’clock briefing this afternoon," said Sam, who took on the job of briefing the press since CJ started her maternity leave two months ago.

"When can CJ go home?"

"They were going to release her tomorrow, but I asked the doctor to keep her for two more days.  That way I’ll have time to move CJ’s stuff back to her old apartment."

To be continued …

  


	3. Will You Remember Me? 3

*********

**"Will You Remember Me?" - part 3**

Disclaimers: see part 1

*********

As usual the President insisted on leaving very early in the morning for their cross-country fly to Seattle, Washington on Air Force One.  Toby let his gaze wander around the cabin and saw that everybody was deep asleep in the seat.  He then rested his eyes on CJ, who was sitting next to her.  He loved to watch her sleep.  She always looked so peaceful when she was in dreamland.

"Excuse me, Toby."  Charlie walked toward him.

"Hey, Charlie.  What can I do for you?"

"Mrs. Bartlet wants to talk to you."

"Thank you, Charlie.  I will be right there."

*********

"Toby, have a seat," The First Lady said when she saw Toby walking into her cabin.  The President was already asleep in his large seat.

"Thank you Mrs. Bartlet," Toby replied in low voice, not wanting to wake up the President.  He was not in mood for trivia questions.

"I wanted to talk to you for a long time, but it seemed I always miss the chance.  How are you holding up?"

"I am doing okay.  Some days are harder than others, but I am holding on.  Sometimes I felt I was pushed to the edge, but a smile from Catherine or Jacqueline always gives me the strength I need to go on.  I keep telling myself that I have to be strong, not for me but for them, because I am all they have right now."

"Hanging in there.  I am sure it won’t be long before CJ is back in your arms," the First Lady reassured him.  "I made a reservation for you at the restaurant on the top of the Space Needle tonight at eight o’clock.  Take CJ there, and have some good times.  You deserve it, both of you."

"Mrs. Bartlet."

"Not a word, Toby.  Didn’t you propose to CJ there?  The restaurant must have a special place in her memory.  Taking her back there will certainly help her recollections."

"I love to take CJ out, Mrs. Bartlet.  Unfortunately, CJ thinks that I am married to another woman, so won’t she grow suspicious if I ask her out?"

"Toby, you are the President’s best speech writer for crying out loud.  I am sure you can come up with a good reason to talk CJ into a date with you."  Abbey smiled at him.

 ********

 J searched frantically in her suitcase for a dress to wear on her date with Toby that night. 

_‘Date? Where did that come from?  It’s only a dinner.’_

Toby came knocking on her hotel room door two hours ago, announcing that he was going to treat her to a nice dinner tonight because he had a bet with her on the newest polling number of the Bartlet administration before her car accident months ago, and he lost.  So, there she was - twenty minutes before Toby would come pick her up, and she still couldn’t decide on what to wear.

She walked toward the door when she heard a knock.  Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, she realized that he was twenty minutes early.

_‘Why does he always have to be early?’_ ‘Why does he always have to be early?’ she sighed.

Pulling the door open, she was surprised to see a smiling Donna, standing at the other side of door.

"My lifesaver.  Help me, Donna.  Toby will be here in 20 minutes, and I still cannot decide on what to wear."

"Gosh, CJ.  How many dresses did you bring with you?  We are only going to stay here for a week.  You probably bring enough clothes to last for a month," Donna said, seeing the stacks of clothes CJ laid on the bed. 

"I learned my lesson the hard way, Donna.  God knows when Roberto Bernini will decide to push me into a pool again.  I like to be prepared.  Come on, Donna.  What should I wear?"

"Relax, CJ.  It’s only a dinner.  Why do you act like a high school girl going on a first date?" Donna couldn’t resist teasing her, and she was satisfied to see CJ’s face turning crimson.

"Hey, you brought the blue dress with you again," Donna shouted excitedly when she saw the blue long gown lying on the bed.

"Again?" CJ looked confused.

"You wore the dress to the party when we were here last time.  Remember?"

"What party?" CJ still had no clue. 

_‘Well, it must be another thing that happened last year or so that I have no memory of.  I hate not remembering,’_ CJ thought dejectedly.

"Oops, sorry.  Let me see.  It was a year, no, two years ago.  We were here for a town hall meeting.  The President threw a great celebration party at the restaurant downstairs one night.  You and Toby danced all night, and both of you were ecstatic.  I did not remember seeing Toby so happy before."

"A celebration party?  What did we celebrate?"

_‘Now, I really dig myself a big hole.  You cannot tell her that we were celebrating she and Toby’s engagement, so try coming up with another reason.  And think quickly, Donna.’_

"I… I… I cannot remember.  Sorry.  You know how many parties we go to each year." Donna smiled at her apologetically, hoping that CJ would buy her excuse.

"You said Toby and I danced all night.  Was he married at the time?"

"No.  No.  He wasn’t married."

‘Okay.  Do I want to know?  Do I?  Well, why not?’

"Donna, what’s Toby’s wife like?" CJ asked nervously, ignoring the sour feeling that was beginning to creep into her heart.

"She…she…well, I’ve only met her once, and it was a while ago.  I…I really don’t know."  Donna fumbled, but she quickly realized that CJ’s mind was already somewhere else. ****

**  
**

_‘You are jealous of Toby’s wife,’_ a little voice in her head said.

_‘No, I am not.’_

_‘Yes, you are.  You love him.  You’ve been in love with him for a long time,’_ the voice continued.

_‘No, I am NOT!’_

_‘Yes, you are.  Why were so sad that you cried your heart out when you realized that Toby is married with another woman?  Or why do you dislike Toby’s wife so much, even though you have no clue what she’s like?  Face it, Claudia.  You are jealous of her because she married the man that you love.’_

Depressed, CJ threw the dress that she was holding on the bed with a sigh.

"CJ, are you all right?"

"Yeah, I’m fine.  I am just… I am just tired of not remembering.  What if I’ll never get them back?  You know, the memories of the good times I have with friends like you, Josh, Toby, Sam, the memories of laugher, or the memories of triumphs.  I know everybody has been really nice to me.  You all try to tell me everything that I don’t remember, but it’s just not the same."  She let out another bit sigh.

"Don’t worry, CJ.  I am sure you’ll get your memory back," Donna tried to cheer her up. 

"Thank you, Donna.  You’ve been such a great friend."

"You’re welcome.  Now, you’d better hurry.  Toby will be here any minute.  Wear the blue dress.  It brings out the color of your eyes." 

*********

"The place is beautiful.  Thanks for taking me here.  I don’t think I’ve ever been here before," CJ said after they were seated at the best table in the restaurant.

_‘You did, CJ.  I proposed to you at here.  How can you forget?’_ He wanted more than anything to tell her that, but he decided on a safer reply:  "Thanks for coming with me."

"Toby, stop staring at me."  CJ put down her menu.  Her heart was pounding faster and faster under his intense eyes.  She had noticed that he had been doing that a lot since he picked her up at her hotel room, and she liked to think that it was because he found her attractive.  However she knew that couldn’t be farther from the truth; after all, he was happily married - at least that was what Donna had been telling her.

"Sorry, CJ, but you look beautiful tonight."  Toby mentally slapped himself for looking at her so bluntly, but he couldn’t help it.  CJ looked stunning in her royal blue halter back gown that matched her eye color perfectly.

_‘You’d better get yourself under control, Toby,’_ he thought to himself.  CJ only thought of herself as his colleague right now, not his wife.  If he weren’t more careful, CJ would probably slap him with a big sexual harassment lawsuit.  Yeah, that would be a great headline for Washington Post - "the White House Press Secretary files a sexual harassment suit again the White House Communications Director, who is also her husband".  _‘That would really look good on my resume.’_

"Donna told me that we were good friends before the accident," CJ said, trying to hide her blush.

"I would like to think we are still good friends."  Toby paused to take a sip of his wine. "So I see Donna has been telling you stories?"

"Yeah, on the weekends she would get out the photo albums and start to tell me the events associated with each photograph.  Every now and then I can see the events that she describes to me in my head.  Sometimes the pictures are clear, sometimes they are really fuzzy; however, in most cases I have no reminiscence on the things that she tells me.  Even when I see something in my mind, I cannot tell what are my memories and what are just my imaginations.  It has been almost a month since the accident, but my memory is still no better than when it was a month ago.  I always feel like I am stuck in a big forest alone with thick fog all around me.  I cannot see my way out.  What if I’ll never get out of there?  I am really scared."  She fought to hold back her tears.

He patted her hand lightly.  "Shhh.  Don’t worry, CJ.  Don’t be scared.  You are not alone.  I am here.  No matter what happens or where you are, I will always be there for you.  All you have to do is call my name, and I will be there by your side."  He hated to see her like this.  She was always so strong and so capable no matter how tough the situation was.  He never saw her so depressed before, and it was heartrending to see her like this.  "You just need to be patient.  It takes time for your brain to sort out the pieces, like doing jigsaw puzzles."

"You know, that’s weird.  Dr. Ryans, my psychologist, told me the exact same thing last week."  She fleshed her a small smile.

_‘Well, if you know I talked to Dr. Ryans at least once a week discussing your progress, then you wouldn’t feel surprised.’_ __

Their conversation was interrupted when the waitress brought their food to them.  For a while, neither one of them said anything, and the only sounds were the sounds of their silverwares clicking with the plate.  When Toby looked up from the pasta that he was eating again, he saw CJ staring into space, deep in thought.

"CJ, CJ!  Earth to CJ."

"Oh, I am sorry, Toby."

"Are you okay?  You look kind of pale."

"I am fine, Toby."  She gave him a weak smile.  "I am trying to figure out when I came here before - if I’ve ever been here before that is."

"You remember something?"  Toby managed to keep his voice level.

"I don’t know.  I got this tingling feeling ever since I walked in here.  Everything in here looked kind of familiar to me.  I don’t know how to explain it.  It was like I saw them in my dreams before, if you know what I mean." __

_  
_

Toby tried to hold back his excitement when he heard that.  Maybe Mrs. Bartlet was right.  Maybe his dark days was going to be over soon.

 

To be continued …


	4. Will You Remember Me? 4

*********

**"Will You Remember Me?" - part 4**

Disclaimers: see part 1

*********

They just got back late Friday night from their weeklong trip to Seattle.  Unfortunately, while he was away, Bonnie and Ginger had successfully stacked hundreds of memos and reports on his desk for him to read, so all morning he was stuck in his office reading those papers, some he couldn’t even make sense of.  Finally Toby put down the paper that he was reading when the letters started to blur.  Reaching into the top drawer of the desk, he took out a five by seven framed picture of CJ and their twin daughters.

The photograph was taken on the day that he brought his daughters to work.  He had a meeting with the Ethics Committee that afternoon, so he asked Ginger to take care of them for him.  He was giving Ginger instructions on dos and don’ts when Josh walked into his office.  Josh stood there listening to his conversation with Ginger and started to laugh.

"What, Josh!"

"Did anyone ever tell you that you are more protective than a mother is of her children?"

"Since I am both their mother and father at this moment, I have the right to be over-protective."

"I am sorry, Toby.  I did not mean…" Josh slapped himself mentally; he did not mean it to come out that way.

"That’s okay." 

"I have an idea," Josh said excitingly.

"Why am I afraid to hear it?"  Toby said dryly.

"I am serious, Toby.  You’ll love it," Josh said enthusiastically, but Toby just glared at him.

"You need a person to take care of your daughters while you go to the meeting with those sharks from the Ethics Committee, right?"

"Right!"

"You don’t know if you can trust Ginger with your precious angels, right?"

"Can you please get to the point?  I still have another list that I have to go through with Ginger."

"Okay, okay.  Why don’t you leave them with CJ?  You trust her, right?  She’s their mother."

"Josh, are you insane?  CJ…"

Josh cut him off. "I know CJ doesn’t know they are her daughters, but don’t you think it a perfect chance for CJ and the twins to spend sometime with each other?  Come on, Toby.  It’s worth a try.  It certainly beats the hell out of you giving Ginger a 3-page to-do list."

So Toby did what Josh suggested and left the twins with their mother when he went to this meeting with Josh.  When he and Josh got back from the meeting, they both were surprised to see CJ napping on the couch in Toby’s office with their daughters in her arms.  That was the most beautiful scene that he had ever seen, the three women of his life sleeping peacefully in his office.  The afternoon sun shot through the window behind his desk and the golden rays landed on CJ and the twins’ calm sleeping forms, making them looked like angels.  Yes, angels, they were the angels that the Creator gave him.  Two days later, Josh handed him an envelope with a couple of photographs inside.  It turned out that while he was cast under the magic spill of his angels, Josh was able to find a camera and catch the Kodak moment forever for him.  He kept one in his desk drawer at the office, and he put the other one in the nursery at home next to the baby crib.

"Hey, Toby.  Do you have a minute?"

Toby quickly put the picture back to the drawer when he heard CJ’s voice and almost jammed his finger in the process.

"Have a seat, CJ."

"What were you looking at?"

"Nothing that would interest you.  So what can I do for you?"  He steered their conversation to a saver subject.

‘ _I would have a touch time coming up with good explanations if she caught me looking at a picture of her,’_ Toby thought, trying to calm down.

*********

"Toby, you’ll love what I am going to tell you."  Donna rushed into Toby’s office not long after CJ left.

"What is it?"  Toby said nonchalantly, never looking up from the memo that Josh just handed to him.

"Oh!  You will love this.  I think Mrs. Bartlet was right.  The expensive dinner price you paid at Seattle may be paying off."

"What do you mean?"  Donna now had both Toby and Josh’s undivided attentions.

"CJ told me this morning that she had a dream last night of you proposing to her at the restaurant on top of the Space Needle.  Well, she thought it was a dream, but we all know that it was her memory, not her dream."

"Are you serious?"  Toby jumped out of his chair and grabbed Donna’s wrist really hard like it was his only lifeline, and Donna just stood with a big smile on her face.

"See, Toby.  I told you.  Give her some time.  Eventually she’ll figure the whole thing out."

"I am afraid that time is the luxury that I don’t have right now.  CJ told me this morning that she is going out with Alex again tonight.  It looks like they are getting serious," Toby said, moving toward the window behind his desk.  Outside the sky was gray and it matched his mood perfectly.

"Who is this Alex?"  Josh asked.

"CJ met him at a bookstore two weeks ago.  He is an Air Force pilot.  So far they went to a couple lunches, one dinner and they went roller-blading at the park on Sunday morning. Oh, let’s not forget the concert they went to that night."

"Thanks for reminding me that, Donna."  Toby scowled.

"And you never told me this before!"  Josh yelled at her.

"Sorry.  I forgot."  Donna gave him her sweetest smile that she knew would get her anything she wanted from Josh.

"You know what I am feeling right now," Toby said to them, still looking out of the window.  "I feel I am a kid trying to hold on to a kite that is flying high in the sky with this tiny string in my hand.  The wind is blowing hard and the kite is flying higher and higher.  Sooner or later the string will snap, and then I will lose it forever.  CJ is like the kite that I am holding, and sadly I am losing her."

"Don’t worry, Toby.  I know what to do."  Josh walked up behind Toby and gave him a supporting pat on the back.  It was hard for him to see his friend hurting like that.  "You said this Alex guy is in the Air Force right?  Well, remember the guy we work for, the guy who likes to throw those useless trivia questions at us?  I know you may mistake him with Regis Philbin, the guy who hosts the TV show "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", but he is actually the Commander-in-Chief of the United States Air Force.  I think we have enough influence with him to talk him into transferring this Alex boy to a station on an island in South Asia and never letting him setting feet on American soil in ten years.  What do you think?"  Josh attempted to make light of the situation.

"Ha!  Very funny," Donna said sarcastically, punching his chest with her fist.

"Hay, I am just trying to help."

"Then you are doing a terrible job," Donna said while she pulled Josh out of Toby’s office with her.

*********

It was late at night, and Toby was holding his baby girls in his arms, trying to rock them to sleep.

"Hi, angels.  How are your days?  Papa’s okay.  I miss your mother badly.  It’s funny, though.  I see her everyday at office for more than 8 hours, but I still feel miss her.  I miss waking up with your mommy in my arms.  I miss those late night talks your mommy and I had in front of the fireplace.  I miss us preparing dinner together.  I even miss her asking me those nonsense baseball questions during Yankee games.  Oh, promise me that you’ll not tell your mommy that I said her questions are stupid or she will be really mad at me.  Let’s just keep that as our little secret, okay?  This will be our first daddy-daughter secret."

Toby looked down at his daughters and was in time to see both babies yawn over his talk with them.  "Sorry, angels.  Does papa bore you?  Okay, I’ll stop talk and let you sleep now." 

He got up to put the babies back to their crib, and then the soft voice of a female singer coming out from the radio caught his attention.

 

**_I Will Remember You_**  
__  
I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?  
I let them slip away from us when things got bad  
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun  
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep  
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep  
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word  
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose  
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose  
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night  
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

_And I will remember_ you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories  
Weep not for the memories 

 

_‘Will you remember me, CJ?  Please come back to me.  Please!’_

The song hit too close to home - way too close, and he could felt hot tears rolling down his face.  Sensing their father’s sorrow, the babies in his arms started to cry, thus pulling Toby out of his reverie.

"Hey, angels.  Why are you crying?  Do you miss your mother?  Remember, your mother loves you very, very much.  She will come back to us soon."  Actually Toby did not know whether he was trying to convince the twins or himself.  

_’Is she really going to come back to us?’_

_  
_

Josh asked him a question that afternoon that really got him thinking.  It was a light day at the office, so Josh talked him into going to lunch with him at a nice café not far from the White House.  At first they only talked about work related topics, but then they started to talk about the twins and CJ.  Josh asked him what he would do if CJ’s relationship with Alex turning into a serious one.  He told Josh that he had no answer for him, but deep down in his heart he knew the answer.  Although he wished the day would never come, if one day CJ and Alex became serious with each other, he knew he would sign the divorce paper, give CJ a hug and wish her a bright and happy future with Alex.  No, it didn’t mean that he would be happy about it.  In fact he was sure that would hurt worse than someone wrenched his heart out of him, but he loved CJ and he would do anything to make sure she was happy.  If he forced CJ to stay with him when her heart was no longer on him, it would only make both of them miserable.  So why not?  He’d withdraw from the relationship, let CJ be happy, and he could stay miserable for the rest of his life by himself.  After all, people in the White House were all used to a grumpy Toby and they knew how to deal with him, so why add a heartbroken CJ to their burden.

 

To be continued …

  


	5. Will You Remember Me? 5

*********

**"Will You Remember Me?" - part** **5**

Disclaimers: see part 1

*********

 

Toby opened the door to his apartment with his daughters sleeping soundly in their car seats that he carried in his left hand.  It was a long day at the office filled with people that he couldn’t stand and meetings that he wished he never had to go to again.  All he wanted to do now was to spend a quiet evening with his daughters, telling them stories about their mother.  He had been doing that more and more.  He would get out photographs of CJ, and tell Jacqueline and Catherine stories about their mother.  The twins might still be too small to understand what he was telling them, but he hoped by showing them pictures of CJ they would recognize her when she came back to them one day.

"Toby, didn’t you promise me that you’ll fix the light in the kitchen."

"Sorry, I forgot.  I will do it…" Toby stopped dead in mid sentence.  He stared at CJ, who was sitting comfortably on the sofa with her long legs resting on the coffee table.

_‘Great.  Now I am having hallucinations.  I probably should have a long talk with my psychologist tomorrow.’_

"I thought you would be excited to see me."

"CJ?"  Toby still couldn’t believe what he was seeing.  He couldn’t take his eyes off her.

_‘Am I dreaming?  If I am, please let me dream forever.  I don’t want to wake up.’_

_  
_

"Toby!  I am still waiting for my hug, or you can say ‘Welcome home, CJ’ for starters."  She started to laugh.  It was a rare occasion to see Toby Ziegler speechless.

Toby walked slowly toward the sofa.  Putting the car seats that he was holding on the coffee table, he carefully reached out his right hand to touch CJ’s face.

"Am I dreaming?" 

CJ could hear the crack and the shakiness in his voice.

"No, you’re not, Toby.  I am really here.  I remember, Toby.  I remember everything."  She was touched by the deep emotion that she saw on his face and tears started to fall down her face.

*********

For the longest time they sat together on the sofa with their babies in their arms.  They drank in the peacefulness surrounding them, and neither one of them want to talk, afraid that the slightest sound would break the magic moment.  Looking down at CJ and their baby angels, Toby knew that he had all he wanted right here in his arms, and his world was now complete.

"How did it happen?  I mean, all a sudden you got your memory back?"  Toby finally broke the silence.

"Well, Alex took me to Sequoia at Georgetown for dinner tonight, and it must be fate that he and I were seated at the same table that we were seated when you took me there on our first date.  I was sitting there, looking around the restaurant while pretending to be interested in what Alex was saying about his military fighter, and all of a sudden I started to see images of us.  At first they were in pieces… us dancing at the dance floor, us sharing that ice-cream dessert, us sharing our first kiss.  Then everything that I forgot came flooding back to my mind.  I ran out of there without giving Alex any explanation, and I jumped into the first taxi I found in front of the restaurant, telling the driver to speed all way here."

"How did you get in here?"

"I met Mrs. Smith at the door while she was coming home from work; she remembered that you left a set of keys with her husband for emergencies.  Speaking of Alex, I think I should call him and let him know that I am fine.  He is probably worrying to death.  You know, you should thank him."

"What!  That guy tried to steal my wife from me, and you want me to thank him?"  Toby cried in disbelief. __

_  
_

"Hey, think about it.  If he did not take me to Sequoia, then I would probably still be in the clouds now.  Come on, Toby.  Be a gentleman."

"You’ve known me for how long?  Did I ever do or say anything that gave you the slightest idea that I want to be a gentleman?"

"Okay, you won."

"Don’t I always."  Toby flashed her a triumph smile.  "Oh, there is something that I have to return to you."

"What is it?"

"These."  Toby handed CJ’s engagement and wedding rings that he wore in a chain around his neck back to her.  "The nurses took them off your finger when they prepped you for C-Section."

CJ stretched out her hand and Toby slid the rings back to her ring finger.  "Now, they are back to where they belong."

"Why did you wear them around your neck?"  CJ asked, hugging him tightly.

"So they were closest to my heart."

"Oh, Toby!"

She looked up from Toby’s chest that her head was resting on, and looked directly into his eyes.  In Toby’s eyes, she could see his love and longing for her, and she knew that was where she belonged.  She never wanted to be separated from him again.

"Welcome home, CJ.  And you had better be prepared to stay because I am not going to let you go again."  Toby smiled at her.

"I am not going anywhere."  She gave him a kiss.

Looking down at the babies in their arms, she thought about the days of her daughters’ lives she missed.  "Hey, sweeties.  I am your mommy.  I am sorry that I have not been around.  I am really sorry, but I promise that I will make it up to you.  I will not leave you again.  I love you."  She planted kisses on their faces and hugged them tighter.

"I am sorry, Toby.  I am really sorry.  I have been the worst wife and worst mother in the world.  I gave birth to them, but I never took care of them, not even for one day.  I never fed them one bottle, I never changed one diaper for them, I never kissed them goodnight, and I was never there to hold them when they have nightmares.  How am I different from those mothers who abundant their children?"  Tears continued to run free from her eyes and this time she didn’t even bother to wipe them.

"Shhh, don’t cry.  We all understand.  It was not your fault that you couldn’t remember us.  We know you love us, and we love you back, too." 

"I don’t want to be separated from you again.  I love you, Toby.  You know, even when my brain didn’t remember loving you, my heart still felt it."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember that you brought the twins to work one day.  My heart ached so badly, and I was so jealous when I realized that you were married, I locked myself in my office and cried for hours that morning."

"So that was why your eyes were red when I saw you at the staff meeting.  You told me you had something in your eyes."  Toby couldn’t resist teasing her, and CJ simply stuck her tongue out and grimaced at him.

"I love you, Claudia Jean Ziegler.  Don’t you dare trying to forget me again," he whispered in her ear.   Pulling her into another passionate kiss, he knew his nightmare had ended, and everything was going to be all right from now on.

*********

The End. 


End file.
